The Silent Struggle
How to Show Up When Someone You Love is thinking about suicide.
September is Suicide Awareness month and this is what motivated me to write this post.
Let’s name it:
This is a heavy topic.
But if you’re reading this, it’s probably because something in your gut knows… someone you love is not okay.
They’re quieter.
They seem distant or disinterested.
They’re not laughing like they used to.
They stopped caring about the things that once mattered. (Fantasy football? Their morning workout? Even their own kids’ report cards?) Gone.
Something has shifted — and not in a subtle way.
You may be afraid to say it out loud… but I will:
You’re wondering if they’re having thoughts of suicide.
And here’s what I want you to hear:
You’re not crazy.
You’re not overreacting.
And you’re not alone in not knowing what to do.
Is it Disappointment, Disconnection, or Deep Pain?
Suicidal thoughts often emerge from places that are hard to name — not always tied to a single event, but to a slow erosion of hope.
It might be disappointment.
It might be the shame of not living up to expectations — their own or someone else’s.
It might be the quiet feeling that they’ve failed at something important:
the business, the marriage, the parenting role, the recovery they promised.
It might be the invisible pain of things that never happened:
a dream that didn’t come true, a version of life that never unfolded.
Or it might just be deep emotional pain — the kind that feels chronic, isolating, and misunderstood.
Sometimes there’s no clear cause — just a sense of being tired. Done. Like they’ve lost the thread of meaning in their life.
Or they feel disconnected — from others, from purpose, even from themselves.
In these spaces, suicidal thoughts don’t come as a desire to die…
They often come as a desire to escape.
To stop hurting.
To make it all stop for a while.
It’s not attention-seeking.
It’s not weakness.
It’s a signal that something hurts — deeply.
The writer, Seneca, shares it well. "Sometimes even to live is an act of courage."
You Might Feel This Too
If you’re trying to support someone like this, you’re likely feeling something too:
Fear
Guilt for not doing more
Confusion
Disappointment
Resentment that you have to hold this much
Here’s your permission slip:
You can love someone deeply and still feel overwhelmed.
You can want to help… and still not know how.
You can show up imperfectly and still make a difference.
Presence over perfection.
You don’t need the perfect words — you just need to show up.
Signs to Pay Attention To
These are common — and often missed — indicators someone may be silently struggling:
Withdrawing from social connection
Saying they feel like a burden
Losing interest in things that once mattered deeply
Giving away meaningful items
Excessive self-criticism
Dark or hopeless humor
Saying things like “What’s the point?” or “Everyone would be better off without me”
It may not always mean suicidal intent.
But it does mean something hurts.
What to Say (Even If It Feels Awkward)
You don’t have to be profound. You just have to be present.
Try saying:
“You’ve seemed off lately. I’m not here to fix it, but I care too much not to ask.”
“What’s been hard lately?”
“You matter to me. You don’t have to go through this alone.”
“Have you had thoughts that life doesn’t feel worth living?”
That last one might feel terrifying to ask — but it’s so important.
A Quick Note on Asking About Suicide
Research consistently shows that asking someone about suicide does NOT increase risk.
In fact, it can reduce distress and help someone feel seen.
A review published in the Journal of Clinical Psychology found that screening and direct questioning can reduce suicidal ideation. Avoiding the topic, on the other hand, can increase shame and isolation.
Thoughts Are Not the Enemy
As a therapist, I want to say something clearly:
Having suicidal thoughts does not automatically mean someone needs to be hospitalized.
We are more than our thoughts.
We are more than our emotions.
We are more than our actions.
When those three align, I call it harmony.
But when someone is feeling hopeless, we want to disrupt that alignment before it turns into action.
Your role isn’t to fix their thoughts — it’s to interrupt the isolation.
To be a presence that says, “You’re not alone in this.”
What Not to Say,Even if you mean well, avoid saying:
“It’s not that bad.”
“Just be grateful.”
“You shouldn’t feel that way.”
“Let’s just pray it away.”
“Others have it worse.”
These comments often leave people feeling misunderstood, ashamed, or even more hopeless.
Instead, try curiosity + compassion. A Culture of Curiosity is something I stress when meeting with all my clients.
Let them know that whatever they’re feeling — they don’t have to feel it alone.
Gently Suggesting Therapy
If they seem open, therapy can be a lifeline — but it needs to be introduced gently.
Try saying:
“A lot of people go to therapy just to have space to breathe.”
“You don’t have to be in crisis to get support.”
“Would you be open to just meeting someone?”
If they’re unsure, normalize it. Make it less scary. Let them decide when they’re ready.
But What About You?
If you’re supporting someone through this… you matter too.
You may feel helpless.
You may feel stretched thin.
You may feel angry, scared, or resentful.
All of that is okay.
You’re not failing them by taking care of yourself.
Call a friend.
See your own therapist.
Tell someone what it’s like to carry this worry.
You’re human. And humans need support too.
A Gentle Reminder
This doesn’t have to be dramatic.
One moment of care — one text, one walk, one question — can open a door.
Your goal isn’t to fix their pain.
It’s to remind them they’re not invisible in it.
Presence over perfection.
That’s it. That’s the call.
A Gentle Invitation: Start With One Step
If someone’s been on your heart lately… don’t wait.
Text them.
Call them.
Show up.
Say:
“You’ve been on my mind. I just wanted to check in. How are you really doing?”
You never know how much weight one moment of connection can carry.
If You or Someone You Love Is Struggling
You are not alone. And neither are they. Here are some 24/7 support options:
National Suicide & Crisis Lifeline
Call or Text 988
988lifeline.org
Crisis Text Line
Text HELLO to 741741
🏔️ Colorado Crisis Services
Call 1-844-493-TALK (8255)
Text TALK to 38255
coloradocrisisservices.org
If your heart is heavy after reading this — you’re not alone.
Whether you're supporting someone or facing your own quiet battle, you deserve care too.
I'm here if you'd like to talk. Schedule a consult here, or simply reach out.